Jesus Saves… And Takes Half-Damage

Here’s the Character Sheet for Jesus if he was a high-powered AD&D character. “Jesus rolls a 14 and once again, Jesus Saves.”

Just a little stupidity I felt like posting, keeping up my completely sacreligious mood. I guess Pesach just heightened my awareness of some of the goofiness of organized religion. Also, the Christian Conservatives make it so easy to make fun of Jesus.

Jesus has a 30 in Constitution which gives Him a +10 modifier to His saving throws. His 23 in Wisdom gives Him a +6 bonus to sense who will betray Him. Jesus also gets a movement bonus from His +2 Sandals of Striding. He is an Epic Cleric and can cast Resurrection twice a day. He can also cast Cure Serious Wounds once a day and Cure Blindness once a day. After becoming a Level 23 Messiah, Jesus gaining Spontaneous Casting (Cure Light Wounds). Because Jesus is half-celestial (son of God, yo! Respect!), He has darkvision to 60 ft.

And remember, if Jesus is killed, three days later, He comes back to life thanks to His “Spurn Death’s Touch” epic level feat. I wonder if He gets a bonus against kobolds. Boy, it’s a good thing I don’t believe in hell or I’d really be in trouble.

Jesus was a cleric, proving that “Cleric” isn’t a completely p**sy-class.

Jesus of Nazareth

Male Half-Celestial Human

Level 20 Cleric /Level 11 Prophet/Level 13 Messiah

Alignment: Lawful Good

Strength 20 (+5) Dexterity 19 (+4) Constitution 30 (+10) Intelligence 18 (+4) Wisdom 23 (+6) Charisma 24 (+7)

Size: Medium Height: 5′ 9″ Weight: 135 lb Skin: Tan Eyes: Dark Brown Hair: Black; Curly; Average Beard

Hit points: 648

Speed: 30 ft. per turn (5 ft. per turn when encumbered with the True Cross)
AC: 15 = 10 +4 [dexterity bonus] + 1 [son of God bonus]

Initiative:	+4	= +4 [dex]
Fortitude save:	+25	= 12 [base] +10 [con] +2 [great fortitude] +1
Reflex save:	+12	= 6 [base] +4 [dex] +2
Will save:	+19	= 12 [base] +6 [wis] +2 [iron will] -1
Attack (handheld):	+15/+10	= 10 [base] +5 [str]
Attack (unarmed):	+15/+10	= 10 [base] +5 [str]
Attack (missile):	+14/+9	= 10 [base] +4 [dex]
Grapple check:	+14/+9	= 10 [base] +5 [strength] -1 [slippery]

Weapon Proficiency: Light Mace [1d6, crit x2, 1 lb, light, bludgeoning]

Weapon Proficiency: Quarterstaff [1d6/1d6, crit x2, 4 lb., two-handed, bludgeoning]

Feats:

• Extra Turning x1
• Leadership
• Skill Focus (Heal)
• Skill Focus (Know Religion)
• Exalted Turning
• Consecrate Spell
• Purify Spell
• Skill Focus (Sense Motive)
• Skill Focus (Sleight of Hand)
• Spell Focus (Necromancy)
• Toughness x1
• Improved Toughness
• Enduring Life
• Lasting Life
• Sacred Vitality
• Spurn Death’s Touch

* = check penalty for wearing armor

• Borne of a Virgin Mother >=5 ranks gives +2 on survival checks above ground.
• Halo of Purity >=5 ranks gives +2 on turn/rebuke the undead.
• Know Planes >=5 ranks gives +2 on survival checks on other planes.
• Slippery trait: +1 on escape artist checks against being grappled, -1 all other grapple checks.
• Skinny trait: -2 on strength checks to avoid being overrun / bullrushed.

Cleric spells: 6 per day

• Bless: +1 to morale, save vs fear, and attack rolls of “friendly” creatures not already engaged in combat. Can also bless an item of 1lb per level of caster.
• Create Wine: Create up to 4 gallons clean (drinkable) wine per level. Can be disspelled within 1 rd of creation, otherwise magic fades and it becomes normal water. Can be created/destroyed in an area as small as will actually hold it all or as large as 27 cubic feet.
• Cure Light Wounds: Heals 1d8 hp
• Cure Disease: Heals 3d8 hp. Only works on leprosy
• Raise Dead: Creates a zombie thrall with 2d8 hp which is immune from control by evil entities. Requires human brains to survive.
• Detect Evil: Detect presence, degree (dim, faint, moderate, extreme, etc), and possibly nature (expectant, malignant, gloating, etc) of evil. Cursed objects radiate evil. Most creatures do not. (High level very evil creatures with evil thoughts at the time, and aligned undead radiate evil.) If the evil is very powerful, 10%/level to determine whether lawful, neutral, or chatoic.
• Light: Area glows like torchlight. If cast on an object, will move with object. If cast on a creature, applicable magic resistance and saves must be rolled. Success mean spell is centered behind creature rather than on creature. If fail save, cast on eyes blinds creature (-4 to AC and saves). Not cumulative!
• Protection From Evil: 1) attacks by evil (or evilly enchanted) creatures are made at -2, recipient saves @ +2; 2) Attempts to mentally control or invade/overtake recipient’s mind are blocked; 3) Prevents bodily contact by creatures of extraplanar or conjured nature (including natural bodily weapons that require touching). This ends if recipient make a melee attack.
• Purify Food & Drink: Purifies spoiled, rotten, poisonous, contaminated food and drink and cancels Unholy water. Does not affect creatures or magical potions, nor does it prevent future decay.
• Remove Fear: Recipient’s saves vs magical fear @ +4. If recipient has recently failed a save vs fear, he immediately gets a new roll with bonus
• Sanctuary: Attempts to attack recipient must save vs spell. If save fails, attacker loses track of and ignores recipient. Does not affect area attacks (eg fireball). Making an attack breaks the spell.
• Remove Paralysis: On 1 creature, negates paralysis/hold/slow/etc. Cast on 2 each saves again @ +4. Cast on 3 or 4, each saves again @ +2. Can be no barrier b/t caster & recipients.
• Cure Blindness/Deafness: Cures some forms of blindness/deafness, but does not repair damaged organs.

Half-Celestial Race Bonuses:

• +4 strength, +2 dexterity, +4 constitution, +2 intelligence, +4 wisdom, +4 charisma
• Darkvision to 60 feet
• Smite evil
• Spell resistance 10+HD (maximum 35)
• Damage reduction
• Acid, cold, electricity resistance 10
• +4 on saves vs. poison

Cleric Class Bonuses:

• Alignment Aura
• Spontaneous Casting (heal)
• Turn Undead (14x/day)
• Cleric also get additional spell choices
• High wisdom gains bonus spells daily
• Sneak Attack +2d6
• Evasion (level 2)

Messiah Epic Class Bonus:

• Hit dice d12
• Fast increase in fortitude saves
• Fast increase in reflex saves
• Fast increase in will saves
• Base 8 skill points per level
• Sneak Attack +1d6 against Jews when in the Temple
• +4 critical hit against Romans

Equipment

• Weapons / Armor / Shield (from above), 5 lbs.
  Ink vial, 1 lbs.
  Ink pen, 1 lbs.
  Cross, Wooden, 100 lbs.
  Bread, loaves x5, 2 lbs.
  Fishes x5, 3 lbs.
  Rope (50′, hempen) x2, 8 lbs.
  Torches x3, 5 lbs.
  Healer kit, 1lbs.
  Holly and mistletoe, 1lbs.
  Holy symbol (wooden), 1lbs.
  Holy symbol (silver), 1lbs.
  Spell component pouch, 1lbs.
  Spellbook x1, 10 lbs.
  Thieves’ tools, 1lbs.
  Tools (miscellaneous) x2, 1lbs.