Puddin’ Need Sleep

Sooo tired. So god-damned tired. I hate insomnia. I hate work. I hate that insomnia f*cks up my work. I hate working when I have insomnia.

I want to sleep. I want to sleep so badly. The cats are probably sleeping right now. That just makes me want to punch them when I get home. It’s a good thing that they’re cute or I would punch them both in the face for being able to sleep all day long. I just need sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. For like 10 hours. Or 10 days.

(And I would never punch the cats. Seriously. Never. I’ve shoved them when they’ve woken me up at 5 a.m. but really, I would never punch them. That’s just wrong.)

The Only Good Thing About Insomnia

I couldn’t sleep last night and gave up the ghost at around 1 a.m. There’s way too much sh*t going on at work and it is beginning to weigh on me f*cking with my sleep habits. That’s what I hate about cats. When they sleep, they sleep with pride. And they know when I can’t sleep, so they sleep extra-heavy just to rub it in. At least I got to implement all some of the changes that I wanted to get done.

WARNING: nerd-post coming.

I abandoned Regulus theme. It was getting too busy. There just wasn’t enough white-space on it. Plus, the AJAX sidebar made it too easy for me to add junk to the blog. I kind of like having to hand-code my changes. It’s nothing overwhelming, but is does make me do some thinking. I would have liked to have been able to use the Headlines plug-in, but it kept making a big-ugly box around the headline. Que sera, sera (sing it, Sly).

Happy One-Month Birthday, Hipster Union

Actually, it’s closer to five weeks when you factor in the Blogger and WordPress.com free-blogs. Still, it’s held my attention remarkably well. So, have some digital cake. No calories, though you’ll have to clean the screen when you’re done.

And I’m done tweaking plug-ins for now. Stupid AJAX sidebar.

Nighttime Nicknamery

geebee’s Indian Name is “Attacked By Squirrels.” It’s a great story. Ask her about it.

Attacked By Squirrels… almost as good as Cries At Newsies and better than Spoon In Eye.

Cheap Beer Thursdays, Inc.

Here’s the plan, as concocted over a round of PBR at “Welcome to the Johnsons”:

1. Incorporate cbnyc.org as a Not-For-Profit Corporation with the charitable purpose of getting poor people drunk. (it actually looks funnier TYPED)
2. Receive donations into a checking account in which the corpus is kept
3. Pay out at least 5% of the corpus per annum (probably per week) in furtherance of the charitable purpose of getting poor people drunk
4. Write off our PBR and liquor as a business expense

Of course, “poor people” has a very elastic meaning. It could mean Randessa, who have repeatedly made applications in pauperis to avoid their drinking responsibilities. It could mean your humble author if I forget to stop at the ATM to reload on yuppie food stamps. It all depends on a certain point-of-view.

I’m envisioneering Cheap Beer Thursdays, Inc. as a Delaware corporation authorized to do business in the State of New York. Its principal place of business would be 110 Chambers Street, New York, New York – better known as “The Patriot.” Under Delaware law (I think), we are required to have one annual meeting in the State of Delaware. Rehoboth Road Trip, y’all. That’s all I have to say.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that it would be wicked awesome to have an old-timey Cheap Beer Thursdays, Inc. ledger book. Imagine the page for Accounts Payable.

4 June 2006 -$100.00 Cash / Memo: Fer Drinkin’

11 June 2006 -$120.00 Cash / Memo: Fer Drinkin’

18 June 2006 -$100.00 Cash / Memo: Fer Drinkin’

21 June 2006 -$100.00 Cash / Memo: Fer Drinkin’

Now imagine an entire ledger filled with those entries again and again and again.

Keep in mind, New York State law requires regular meetings of the Board of Directors. I think that Cheap Beer Thursdays and WeNo and any other beer binge satisfies that requirement. Plus, theoretically, our drinking becomes an administrative cost and is tax-deductible.

Jesus Saves… And Takes Half-Damage

Here’s the Character Sheet for Jesus if he was a high-powered AD&D character. “Jesus rolls a 14 and once again, Jesus Saves.”

Just a little stupidity I felt like posting, keeping up my completely sacreligious mood. I guess Pesach just heightened my awareness of some of the goofiness of organized religion. Also, the Christian Conservatives make it so easy to make fun of Jesus.

Jesus has a 30 in Constitution which gives Him a +10 modifier to His saving throws. His 23 in Wisdom gives Him a +6 bonus to sense who will betray Him. Jesus also gets a movement bonus from His +2 Sandals of Striding. He is an Epic Cleric and can cast Resurrection twice a day. He can also cast Cure Serious Wounds once a day and Cure Blindness once a day. After becoming a Level 23 Messiah, Jesus gaining Spontaneous Casting (Cure Light Wounds). Because Jesus is half-celestial (son of God, yo! Respect!), He has darkvision to 60 ft.

And remember, if Jesus is killed, three days later, He comes back to life thanks to His “Spurn Death’s Touch” epic level feat. I wonder if He gets a bonus against kobolds. Boy, it’s a good thing I don’t believe in hell or I’d really be in trouble.

Jesus was a cleric, proving that “Cleric” isn’t a completely p**sy-class.

Earl Grey Is For Homosexuals

I just got so BURNED! by my British work-friend who informed that “Earl Grey tea is for homosexuals.”

To appreciate that line, you must imagine it as read by Hugh Grant. He informed me that PG Tips – a salon tea – is proper tea and that Twinings is not real tea because it is made for the export market. All the while, he was bloviating with authority because he has a British accent.

Why is Earl Grey for homosexuals? Well, it’s so perfumey.

But Darjeeling is even more perfumey. Nevertheless, Darjeeling is a golden tea. It’s all a matter of preference. Next week, I will learn how to make a proper cup of tea. God save the Queen.

Caffeine Deprivation Induced Rage

WTF?! Starbucks. Y’all charge $2.00 plus tax for a large coffee and you can’t give me a sip-lid with a plug-tab. Arrrgh!! (not a pirate Arrrgh!) Every god-damned weekend. EVERY WEEKEND! I drag my sorry a** out of my warm, toasty bed to turn off the clock radio, which, because I listen to the NPR, on weekends means I have to wake up to earthy-crunchy bulls**t, get dressed, and schlep to the subway.

And, because I ride the F train, I have to deal with f**ked up subway service at 8 a.m. Thanks MTA and TWU for making me sit at EVERY stop for 10 minutes. F**k the both of you. And to the 50-something year-old woman who got all pissed off at me because the bucket seats are too small for even ME, F**K YOU! Don’t take your upper-class irritation out on me, b**ch. Honestly, I wanted to drop a C bomb on her. Then, because she couldn’t fit in the b**ch seat (the middle seat in the 3-bucket seat bench), she gets all pissy and hits me with her rolly-bag. F**king c**t.

Which brings me to you, Starbucks. $2.17 for a large coffee. First off, I don’t care – it’s not a venti drip daily. It’s a large coffee. Stop trying to change the way I speak. Second, if Mickey D’s can have sip-lids with plug-tabs, if the King can have sip-lids with plug-tabs, then you can have sip-lips with plug-tabs.

F**k you, Starbucks and your f**king baristas. F**k you, Starbucks and your stupid “akeelah and the bee” cup condoms. F**k you, Starbucks and your f**king coffee that spills 2 oz. out the top while I walk 3 blocks in the f**king rain to go to work on a Saturday. A F**KING SATURDAY! ARRRGH!

Now that the rage is gone, I can now drink my coffee.

A Holiday For Zombies, Vampires, And Cannibals

So, DK is having his Greek Easter this weekend which got me to thinking. Easter is a cool holiday.

So Jesus had been walking around Israel, performing magic at children’s birthday parties and stuff. He was the Doug Henning of 2,000 years ago. He had already met up with performance artist John the Baptist who lived in the woods and for was getting ready for his next stunt of living in a glass box for forty days with no food or water.

Anyway, Jesus (who had already turned his friend Lazarus into a zombie) gets totally wrecked and starts a fight in the temple. Pilates, who later had a series of exercise tapes named after him, had Jesus executed. Except one of soldiers who is supposed to be guarding Jesus had a spear with toxic-waste on it. And then he stabbed Jesus with the spear with the toxic-waste tip. Jesus died and then three days later – he’s a zombie.

Wow, a whole holiday devoted to some guy becoming the living dead. Of course, if the Romans had shotguns, they would have been able to shoot off Jesus’ head – the only reliable way of “putting down” a zombie – and could have stopped the zombie plague. Alas, they didn’t and they couldn’t, and now the Middle East is unstable because everyone suspects everyone else of being a zombie.

To celebrate Jesus’ feast of brains, countless unborn chickens are prepared for sacrifice and then devoured by children in cute outfits who have been put into a semi-ecstatic state through a steady diet of caffeine-laden candied treats. Then, everyone goes to church, a guy in a dress reads from the Necronomicon (or the Bible – I forget which one) and everyone drinks blood and eats human flesh.

Yeah, compared to that, Judaism sucks. All we get is crackers and horseradish. Plus, we don’t get to read stories about zombies. We just get a book that has long passages devoted to how to properly decorate the Tabernacle with some low-cal recipes and food preparation tips in the back.

“Jesus…. eat brains…”

OC Opinion – Brown And Berkeley

OK, so let’s start with the spoiler. Ryan is not a BabyDaddy. Like anyone thought that he was. No, Ryan, the sympathetic – albeit sulking – male lead cannot be a BabyDaddy. So the gang is getting ready to go on their frosh field trips. Ryan gets morally righteous all over Cohen, who is still in a deep pussification funk. He has a scheme to con his way into Brown, where, somehow, Summer managed to get in. I guess the recommendation from Ben Franklin and his 49 clones helped ease her admission.

Cue music