A New Type Of Outrage

“Greetings loyal employee. Your workday is brought to you by Happy Sunny Big Chinese Bank… our Bank will make you Happy. With Happy Sunny Big Chinese Free Checking and Happy Sunny Big Chinese Dollars, Happy Sunny Big Chinese Bank wants to be a part of your modern lifestyle. Together, we will embrace the Happy Sunny Big Chinese world. Come to Happy Sunny Big Chinese Bank. Thank you for your attention. This commercial interruption has been deducted from your paycheck.”

As if I’m not outraged enough, I have found yet another level of outrage – a deeper outrage that taps into my Communist-leaning soul.  Because of commercial announcements in the workplace.

I just endured a meeting that was, on one level, extraordinarily awkward and, on a whole different level, representative of the level to which America has sunk. Myself and everyone else who, like a good little worker bee, was eating lunch at the desk, were called into the Boss’ office for a very special announcement. What could it be? Did we win the big case? Did we sign up a big new account? Was a Very Important Person stopping by to thank the firm for all of its hard work? No, I am now receiving commercials at work.  It’s come to this.

We received a speech from someone at the Bank, telling us about the Bank’s fabulous new free checking deal. Sign up for a free checking account and get a free one-night stay at any Marriott in the country. Then, the Boss proceeded to tell us that we are probably paying for our checking accounts now and we should all switch to that Bank. It’s a great deal. You can’t beat it with a stick.

This is what I’ve been reduced to: eating my lunch at my desk only to have it interrupted by a f*cking COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! WTF?!? I am getting advertising delivered to me IN PERSON AT WORK WHEN I”M ON LUNCH! This job! this country! this system! is so mother*fcking f*cked that I can’t see through all the outrage.

F*cking commercials at work!

On top of that, I’m disgusted at myself and proud of myself for the remarkable restraint I showed. I have a “free” checking account with that Bank. It’s not free. And I don’t get a free night’s stay at any Marriott hotel in the country because I’ve been a loyal gullible easily appeased customer victim of the Bank for seven years (fifteen if you count the two banks that this Bank bought out). Oh, and in case you’re wondering which bank, it’s the Chinese bank owned by the House of Saud. I’m extra-special proud of supporting that sh*t.

And don’t get me started on the Russian that they have who sells annuities to people who don’t need/want annuities in a boiler-room style delivery. How skeevy can it get?

I swear, I think that “he” must be lonely. He called a salesman to come down to deliver a pitch. His new name is Bizarro Burns. In the normal world, people don’t welcome salesman into their homes/paces of work. In Bizarro world, our workday is interrupted to hear pitches from salesman. F*cking Bizarro workplace. This place needs a match in a file on a Friday night.

Why am I outraged? A “free checking” account at that Bank is nothing I don’t know about. I have that account. So, is it because I’m being offered something that is meaningless to me?

A free night’s stay somewhere in the country? My two week’s vacation is in North Carolina where I stay with my family at our house. Moreover, my random free days are generally spent at other relative’s houses around the country. So, is it because the fabulous prize is unusable by me?

I’ve sort of given up on raging against the machine. Nevertheless, there was something vaguely wrong about two people then signing up for the “free checking” account. So, is it because of the pervasiveness of our consumer culture?

Yes to all, no to all. Mainly, it’s because my time was wasted. So now I am wasting time in revenge. It’s all I have left because I don’t even have possession of my own time. F*CK AMERICA. F*CK THE WORLD. F*CK THE BANKS. F*CK MY BIZARRO BOSS.

Now then…

…where did I put those matches?