Why Your Pony Died

Your pony died…

…because she wasn’t pretty enough.

• because she had an eating disorder. You gave it to her.

• because you embarrassed her. You embarrass everyone.

• because you were too cheap to buy her the good oats.

• because she didn’t believe in God. Jesus hates atheists and Buddhists.

• because she finished last. Slow ponies go the glue factory.

• because it was her time. That, and she drank anti-freeze.

• after choking on those gay sparkles you put in her hair. You’re pathetic.

• because her religion doesn’t believe in medicine.

• because you got me a latte with foam. Now go get me a latte… and you’d better get it right this time.

• because she pissed off Santa. Don’t piss off Santa.

• because she was loose. Go ask mommy what “loose” means.

• because you’re fat. Fatty-fat-fat.

• so she could be with Jesus.

• because you didn’t put enough bows on her. Would it have killed you to give her just one more bow?! One more bow!

• because your parents got divorced. And they got divorced because of you.

• pining for her one true love. Your pony had unrealistic goals.

• because she ate Pop Rocks and Coke. The urban myth is true.

• because she wasn’t going to back to prison.

• because she asked too many questions.

• because you got a B-minus in math. Here’s some math help: B-minus plus your pony equals dead pony.

• because she was a communist spy. Are you a communist? She said you are.

• because she didn’t know who Mr. Yuk is.

• as a warning. You’d better have the money by Wednesday.

• because she used wire hangers. No wire hangers!

• because she gave into peer pressure.

• so that others may live.

• because she ate meat from the half-price bin.

• because she made God cry.

• because she knew too much.

• because you never fed her. What were you thinking?

• because you’re a little liar. An ugly little liar.

• because she used a dry-cleaning bag as a toy. This dry-cleaning bag is NOT a toy.

• because she had cancer. And now you have cancer too.

• because nobody liked her.

• because nobody likes you.

• because you walked in on mommy and daddy again.

• because you’re a bad person.

• because she illegally downloaded music.

• because she wasn’t popular enough. See what happens when you’re not part of the cool crowd.

• because you didn’t pray hard enough.